I need to silence my thoughts. I am receding into old patterns. The green eye monster is awakened and I find myself succumbing to bouts of insecurity and unease. I have been here before. I had been unnecessarily threatened by someone's presence. It shook me up and brought into light the cracks in my seemingly perfect facade.

I remember being told I was the ideal girlfriend. I shuddered at the remark and got teased for my humility. I wasn't downplaying though. I know the irrational nightmare that I can be. I have learned to more or less control this side of me, the lashing out part especially, so I haven't been expecting to encounter unsubstantiated jealousy again. It's not a sign of maturity. Yet I feel the paranoia creeping in - what if someone was better? What if he thinks that someone was better?  

And just like the old times, I fall into the same pattern - seeking comfort in a friend. Now though, there's no friend. Just faint shadows and hiding behind old wounds.

For what?! I ask myself, frustrated with this counterproductivity. I know better than this, I really do. Yet sometimes I find myself resigning in defeat. I entertain the idea that maybe I am broken. I quickly brush it off because it's something I shouldn't even be thinking of. But realizing how I need to learn to uncensor myself, I invite that thought back in. I let it simmer in for a bit. That is until I realize that as much as I have my dark moments, the wide generality of my life goes against that. Both sides have always been there. And it's okay. I'm okay.