So last night, I dreamt I boarded a plane that had rows instead of individual seats, think vans.


Anyway, when the plane departed people made a mad scramble then suddenly, I had to sit on the foldable chair on the second row, instead of my initial seat at the left most spot of the said row. As I tried to lean on the main row's head rest, this teenager and I ended up in an elbow fight coz she wouldn't give me space. I got so pissed coz it was my row to begin with and they weren't even supposed to be there. We called the flight attendant and this teenager was trying to charm her way to the attendant and I remember thinking, fuck, she has an upperhand coz they look like they're enjoying the conversation and I was just like, "Miss, look at my boarding pass, this is supposed to be my seat!". To which the lady shooed off the teenagers and I got my row all to myself. Then as I was about to gloat, I saw the teenager take a seat at the cramped back row and saw her puke. It was then that I pulled her up and led her to my row, the foldable seat to be exact (ha!), and told her she could sit there, I just needed her to respect me and that we could co-exist. It was at this point she hugged me and apologized and asked me why I was being so nice.

Then being the psych major that I am, I tried to analyze my dream. And my verdict? The super ego confronting the id and getting the ego as the arbitrator.

Makes sense how my id pretty much ran the show a few nights back (and was crap enough not to let me remember anything, tsss, haha!).

But it's okay. I'm okay. We're okay. I hope you're okay.

I am totally and utterly psyched to be going to London this December! Yes, I may have found out I didn't exactly have enough leaves to accommodate my original December plans (Korea with the girls, and Manila for the holidays) plus this trip after my flight was booked, but I really can't be making such a big fuss about it, because hello, it's London. In December. Fingers crossed I get to see SNOW.

I really hate when people just anyhow say "I miss you". Nothing is more dangerous than these 3 little words, because really, what matters is the unspoken words that should have come after it. I miss you but it's better this way. I miss you, or maybe I mean the old you coz I don't really know you anymore. I miss you and I just wanted you to know in case you were hesitant to do something about missing me too. I miss you and we really should keep in touch. I miss you and I hope life is treating you kind because the person I knew then deserves nothing but the best this life has to offer. I miss you but there's nothing else I can do without hurting myself in the process of coming towards you.

I miss you.

I miss you. Nothing. 

There's nothing after. And that's what irks me the most. I miss you. SO FREAKIN' WHAT!?

Do you think I don't notice the void you left? Don't you think I notice the glaring emptiness at the space in my life that you used to occupy? That only you can occupy?

Unless something is done about it, "I miss you" is this meaningless pass for politeness. Much like "God bless you" when someone sneezes. It's automatic, it sounds good, but was there really any thought before voicing it out?

Can we do-away with plain "I miss you" and be more pro-active? And, no, adding a ":("after doesn't cut it. Because without action, it does nothing. It means nothing. Well, nothing other than I don't miss you enough. And isn't that more insulting than just keeping your mouth shut?

Maybe what we mean to say is "I remembered". I was driving and this song played on the radio, and I remembered the time we sang along to it. A cold breezed passed me while I was walking along Central Park and it reminded me of how good it felt to have my arm tucked under yours as autumn leaves fell around us.

Or maybe the pang of missing something is misdirected and it's not "you" that the "I" misses. It's the moment. Who we were, where we were, when we were. If that's the case, mindlessly uttering "I miss you" is all the more devastating. In articulating that seemingly harmless phrase, a sense of value is placed on a person's entirety. I miss you. But that's not what was meant. I don't miss the complexities of you. I don't miss the whole you. I just miss a part of you. Or even worse, I just miss the idea of you.

Since when did we start throwing words loosely? And more importantly, since when did "I miss you" become an acceptable form of ice breaker?! "I miss you" isn't supposed to be a hit and run. It's not something we say for the sake of breaking the silence.

It's a declaration, yes. But if it won't be prompting any further action, let's save ourselves the trouble of reaching out. It's okay. I'd rather not know.

I swear, it's okay. I'm okay.